The Fine Line
by Marissalyn
Summary: The time Laura asked Carmilla what it was like to die.


"And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am"

-'Iris' by The GooGoo Dolls

XXX

The day had been long and left you with little down time, so the minute your head hit the yellow pillow your eyes started to droop. That is until you felt the dip in the bed. Laura lay beside you, trying to get comfortable as she shifted around a bit before settling down.

She didn't fall asleep though, that you knew by listening to her breathing. It was routine for you now to fall asleep to Laura's deep even breaths as you followed her into sleep.

Instead she rolled over to face you. You knew this by her shallow breaths against your cheek, playing with the wisps of hair near your ear. You knew she had something on her mind, something she wanted to talk about. You knew you weren't going to sleep anytime soon.

"What is it, cupcake?" You asked, trying not to sound too tired because then she wouldn't tell you and wait until morning when you were unavoidably even grumpier than you currently were.

Laura took longer than usual to answer you. You decided against turning to look at her, instead keeping your eyes closed, thinking that maybe she was nervous of telling you whatever it was. You figured you'd give her a couple more seconds to mull over her words before dragging it out of her.

Rolling over, you sighed quietly as you opened your eyes. "Laura, what's wrong?" Your voice was taking on the softness you hated so much. The same tone you used when mother had violated and possessed Laura's body. The same tone you allowed Ell to hear every time you had been alone with her. You weren't sure if you wanted to go through the pain of letting yourself open up completely again. You loved Laura, and you knew that she loved you, but you weren't too sure if you could do it all over again.

Laura fidgeted with the edge of the comforter, "What's it like to die?"

Nothing has ever caught you so off guard in decades.

"What?" You found yourself asking, confused and concerned. Why was Laura thinking about death? Why did she expect you to tell her? The answer to the latter was simple; you loved her and you would tell her anything she asked you to.

"When you die, what happens? Does it hurt?" Laura asked, and it was clear to you that she was uncomfortable asking you. She was scared to know the answer, to know what you have gone through twice now; once for her.

You decide to answer her question the best you can. If she's going to ask, you should be willing to answer. Shifting up onto your hip so you can lean your head into your hand, you pick and choose your words carefully. "Well, both times were very different from the other."

Laura sat up to frame you, curiosity burning in her eyes. "Which one was worse?"

Again you weren't entirely sure how to answer the question posed to you. Both had their horrible endings and terrible beginnings. The first time you had been surrounded by everyone you had ever cared for. The second time was just the same, even if you'd never admit it aloud; which you won't. The first time you woke up, you were a newborn vampire with a thirst for blood, and surrounded by what you would soon be told was your new family. The second time you woke up, everything hurt; you were bleeding, and your clothes were torn to shreds. You were surprised to find that every body part was still intact. You woke up though at the bottom of a pit, cold and alone. You weren't even sure if what you had done was successful, or that the woman you had inevitably died for was even alive. You knew nothing both times. Both times you had been different kinds of empty. You still were.

"The first time." You answered, because everything you had been told was a lie, because you had really been alone and instead was cloaked with the illusion of loved ones who were really just strangers wanting to approve of you. The first time was worse because you had no one to love you like you deserved.

Laura watched you. She tried to figure out what you were thinking, but came up empty handed. "Why?"

You gritted your teeth. Sometimes you hated that Laura was thinking about going into journalism. Sometimes you hated that you were too stubborn to love every aspect of her. Sometimes you hated that you both didn't fit so perfectly together the way your mother had intended you not to. There was an endless amount of responses you could give. You could tell her that the first time was worse because you hadn't woken up to be with her, but Laura wouldn't believe that for a second. After all it took you kissing her to make her stop thinking that you hadn't simply killed the light for her and only her. She was stubborn too. You loved that.

"Because when I woke up, I thought I was home." You said simply.

Laura raised a brow, was the feeling she was beginning to feel in her chest hurt?

You leaned in closer, stopping Laura from thinking too long. You didn't want her to hurt herself. "You want to know the difference between the first time and the second time though? The second time I knew I was home." You whispered because you wanted her to believe it; because you knew it to be true and you wanted her to know it too. You whispered it to Laura because it was only for the two of you to know; it was a secret that the both of you could keep for as long as you wanted to.

Laura smiled lightly, nodding her head. There wasn't any more questions she wanted to ask.

You were sure that there would be more. More expected of you, more asked of you, and more not asked of you. You would do it all, even raise above the proffered bar.

You laid back down, Laura following you as she rested her head on your chest, her ear pressed over your heart. It was hers for as long as she wanted it, and even after she no longer had it, you would never accept it back into your own chest. To you, it was no longer in your chest un-beating, but in her chest, just as alive as hers. You would tell her some day, but for now the truth for the present and the future was a fine line you weren't exactly ready to cross yet.

You had told her enough tonight, but if she asked, you knew that over time you would tell her everything about you she wanted to know, because you loved her, and love makes you do crazy things, like die.


End file.
